I Remember why I Only Listen in the Morning

My coworker was able to tune our radio into an ACTUAL RADIO STATION yesterday, through many many layers of sheet rock and that silver metallic duct-y tube and old pigeons and being removed from planet earth by a hallway as long as God. That station was KIIS FM, which I have mentioned before in my references to Ryan Seacrest in the Morning who interrupts Everyone Ever Born except for Michelle Obama, which was awesome.

Listening to this radio station reminded me just WHY I'll only listen to today's hits (but not yesterday's favorites) for the half hour it takes me to sling my little car to work in the morning (but not in the evening)... if I EVER hear "pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face. pa-pa-pa-poker face, my pa-poker face." again, I will personally find "Lady" Gaga and pa-pa-pa-poke her face. With my fist. And maybe the brass knuckles that I'll craft for the occasion out of recycled chewing gum wrappers, sequins, and death. Srsly. I heard it EIGHT times yesterday. If people want to hear it that much, they can go buy her CD. Or steal it off the internet. Something that would remove it from constant repetition over the airwaves. Also, that song that stole the melody from "You Spin Me Right Round (like a record)". Not only is the song dirty in and of itself, it also hearkens consistently back to meatspin. Really, dude. My roommate covered that a year ago.

I watched Ryan Seacrest on American Idol while we were eating sushi last night, and it occurred to me that Ryan Seacrest is probably a vampire. There's no way he could possibly have enough hours to do all things he does and still sleep. He Idols, he does his radio show from 5 - 10am, he shows up in random places to stick his weird face with extra-wide mouth into random photos, he goes out with the mean guy from American Idol and picks up chicks, he does things with only attractive women that I don't want to think about, he shows up on Jimmy Kimmel... and the only thing about him that isn't ordinary is his work ethic. I could interrupt people for 5 hours a morning. I could host American Idol but my teeth aren't shiny enough. I could pick up hot chicks at a bar with a guy who is mean-bit-british so it's ok. However - I would NOT do all of these things simultaneously. This is where Ryan Seacrest and I differ - also the genitalia. But more the work ethic. He REALLY wants to be important. He wants to be a global brand. I really want to not work. And there you have it. The END.