So this is awkward...

DO-OVERS TIME!  But not quite...

I almost deleted the posts from 2008 - 2010 on this blog because BOY WAS I CRAZY, but then I thought I should leave them for posterity's sake, and to remind myself that you're always a fool in the past, and today will be the past soon enough.

Highlight reel as I'm going through and re-tagging everything as "archives":

• I had an entire label with many posts attached called "Whiner".  GURL.  You didn't even KNOW.  Whining about yo fancy free designer jeans and a job where you got to develop a a serious working knowledge of both Excel and Minesweeper?  Puh-lease.  In 6 years you're going to break your tooth eating Chinese food and experience some serious regrets.
• I used the phrase "batting her tortilla-chip-dreams-filled eyes" and that is totally legit.  I wish I was still that clever.
• I wrote a very long (for me) post praising the Twilight Trilogy and its transformative effect on my life.
• I remember for the longest time thinking that I was so funny.  This was before the internet, apparently, because compared with the internet... I was really not.  My funniest post (which is still funny) was about a pigeon following the correct traffic laws on the 710 freeway.
• 5-years-late apology to pretty much everyone on the planet because I probably judged you and then wrote about it because I was so funny.

I can't wait to be 5 years older from now and look back on this blog and thing "GURL. You didn't even KNOW."  

Working Shmurking

In my new workspace setup, my laptop (which is no longer lap-able) is sitting at a direct facing angle to my beading area for easy access. And this is a Bad Thing. Instead of finishing that bracelet that I've really been wanting to do and has kept me up at night finagling the right colors, I sit down to it and then think of something to google. Or facebook. Or whatever. OR BLOG.

Here, instead of finishing aforementioned bracelet, is a recap of what I've done/been doing since I last blogged nigh upon a year ago:

Moved from Long Beach back to Whittier into our own apartment that was beautiful and wonderful. Then, moved from said apartment into one small bedroom of a very old and very blue house belonging to our little old lady (LOL). Also a very dirty house.

No changes at the job, except more work and I've been propositioned for extramarital sex.

Jesse and I taught a 4-week series class at CalTech on Blues Dancing.

I made friends in Los Angeles (whoa).

I purchased a bikini with the intent of actually WEARING it. First test is tomorrow.

I've decided to try to take my jewelry making more seriously, which is daunting. I've applied for my fictitious business name statement and reserved the website name and an etsy store name, and I've had some beautiful pictures taken (thanks to Brian @ Libra Photographics), and had my logo designed (mostly). Which seems like a lot, but feels like not very much. I still need to make some business cards and probably some jewelry.

In regards to above subject, and not included as part of the recap, which isn't as exciting as I'd originally though, I think I want a fancy camera. Because while having Brian @ Libra Photographics be the most awesome person in the world sure is... awesome... it's a little more difficult to post photos of your new bauble when your photographer is 500 miles away. Even if it's only for SEVEN MORE MONTHS.

That's right, you heard me. Or read what I typed out. Around approximately December of this year or so (Jesse is saying to not quote him on that), the CristSmith household will be GTFO-ing from the Los Angeles Basin, and returning to Northern California where trees and water come from. I don't know what I'll be doing yet, if anything, but I do know that I will be happy to do whatever it is that comes. I do know what Jesse will be doing - crack-a-practin', as my aging and bat-sh** crazy grandfather says every time we visit.

And that is a Good Thing.

P.S. For the subject, I was going to write Shmorking, but that doesn't read right when you say it out loud. Just a side note.

Bluffy Whale

Has anyone noticed the new theme in spam messages?

I was looking today because I thought something may have gotten sent to my spam folder on accident, and it seems that spammers have started cutting and pasting excerpts from literature BEFORE they begin to advertise how you too can be longer, stronger, and more manly, or you can buy Cialis legally off the internet.

Here are some choice phrases I've discovered today:

SUBJECT: My pearls and jewels.
CONTENT: His wrapper of scarlet flannel! link

SUBJECT: Cold and weary
CONTENT: When he reached the door

SUBJECT: HE kills you, he eats you
Why would I buy that product?

SUBJECT: Hey
CONTENT: bora rehear chatty rant! tubby welt. tote shrug. led shuck. bluffy whale a blush rehear! driven repent. suffix tinman iritis rehear! uneasy hodman chatty blimey?

SUBJECT: Where her ass is?

SUBJECT: In the middle of the woods
CONTENT: With the other frogs?

I realize most of these are not 'literature' at all. There was one with a full on book cut-and-paste job, but I deleted it before I realized 'hey, this is blog fodder!' DAMMIT.

Stitching v. Reading: Round 1

I've been on a recent reading binge, pretty much to the exclusion of all else. "What did you say, husband? You've been feeling neglected, and are beginning to flounder in the pile of dirty laundry that's accumulated? I can't hear you, I'm reading the Orson Scott Card book you told me to read, and your head is buried in all the towels you've used in the last 2 weeks. Sorry."

I think I've read 6 books in the last 3 weeks, in addition to working full time and attempting to go to school, where they will assign me more books to read that I really don't want to, like "Native American Oral Literatures." That is not so engaging, I fear, as "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime."

In addition to this overwhelming urge to sequester myself in the very corner of the futon whilst yelling at Jesse to please turn down his play-by-play poker narrative, I've decided that I'd like to return to all my crafting glory. It hasn't really happened since we moved into this new place, in some large part due to the fact that what used to be my craft table is now where Jesse unloads his backpack every day after school, so that wood is no longer visible. At least in hardwood form. It is visible in paper form.

I decided, after perusing the pages of Mr. X Stitch, that I wanted to do a snarky stitch of my own, so I have begun. You will see the fruits of my labor after I wage war with myself what is more important: cleaning up after Jesse (and sometimes myself), reading the rest of BOTH "The Interview with the Vampire" and "The Kite Runner," or completing my slightly snarky, mostly silly cross-stitch sampler. Or starting a beaded bracelet I promised my friend I would do for him, for a small fee. Which he asked me to do like a month and a half ago, and I haven't even started creating the pattern for. DECISIONS.

P.S. While I was thinking about cross-stitching, it occurred to me that unlike normal children, I had the patience for this craft BEFORE I TURNED FOUR. I remember sitting down at my grandmother's house in Santa Barbara, begging my mom to please undo this knot I made so I could continue. I made a small pillow. How did I do that before I could read? I don't even know. I astonish myself with my youthful intelligence that somehow panned out into me making a lot of spreadsheets for a living.

Bad Style Choices

Working in the fashion industry and having plenty of time on my hands these days, I have assembled a collection of things you should definitely not wear, and should probably ridicule anyone who you see actually wearing who is not homeless:

1) Bra over T-Shirt, sold as one piece: Just, WHAT? There is a reason brassieres are in the UNDERwear category. They are worn UNDER your clothing. Not on top of a plain T-Shirt, sold elsewhere on the web site for $6.00, and then sold for $28.00. Not even homeless people are crazy enough to wear this.


2) We'll combine 2 in 1 here. Firstly, the Oops-I-Dropped-Bleach-ALL-Over-Myself wash, which I will tell you is going to be coming back soon (remember the 80's and how we have scorned the excess? Why would you want to wear something the whole world unanimously decided was a bad idea? WHY?) Secondly, the Oops-I-Cut-My-Cutoffs-Too-Short-And-Now-My-Pockets-Are-Hanging-Out shorts, which I can also tell you will be coming back next summer. Boo to the world. What are you thinking? Why are white trash fashion accidents becoming the new en vogue idea? This reminds me of Zoolander a little too much. Derelicte!

Note the peep-toe ankle booties. Like Hansel, they are so hot right now.

3) I have nothing to say about this. My snark does not cover.


4) Aaaanndd.... last but not least, let us not forget harem pants, shown here in overall form, which are ACTUALLY showing up in stores soon. Apparently, women want to look like they lost 400 pounds just off their thighs, but show off their shapely ankles as well. Such a conundrum before, but now that you can add 3 yards of fabric instead of skin, your style future is set!


Just a side note to the above WTF back to the eighties comment - American Apparel has resuscitated the whole hyper-color T-shirt phenomenon. Because that was also an awesome fashion choice in 1989.

Captain's Log

Sometimes I wish I just logged my life, so that in the future I could look back and remember all the tiny things that happen that I know I'll forget. Like the slightly crazy woman near me at work who tends to talk to her computer for most of the day and occasionally has outbursts of maniacal laughter at statements those of us around her make that are not intended to be funny. Also, she says "flabic" and "no ploblem", which are eternal sources of amusement for my sorry self.

Or the time Natalie, who is visiting this week, accidentally visited us for a whole week last year when the girl she was coming to LA to visit decided to fly to Guam on a whim and get married, forgetting that she was supposed to pick Natalie up from the airport. That was a fun week, except for the Guam girl, who is now getting divorced, I'm betting because it's not a good idea to go to Guam on a whim. I cannot speak about getting married on a whim, because I was only engaged for about 20 hours.

I suppose I could write in a diary, because, you know, that's what diaries are for. I used to - now I forget that I have time to do that, because I'm too busy checking my facebook and playing internet tetris. As I think about that, as I blog along, I suppose that facebook status updates are basically just that - a day by day log of all the mundane things you do during the day that you don't want to forget, and you dont' want anyone else to forget either. I should remember to update people on the fact that nearby coworker just cursed dentists to eternal hell for their rates, in her tiny little asian voice in a tiny little asian frame. Except she's my facebook friend, so she'd see.